Confessions of a 32 Year Single Lady on the Biggest Love Day of the Year

Today may be another day. Today may be the awareness of a mourned relationship, a love that may never be, or a love yet to be. Or today may be the best day.

All I want you to know is that it’s ok to struggle today.

Believe me, I am in year 32 still single. I struggle. There are varying emotions I feel.

I try to remember that there are people who love me and support me every day.

I try to remember that I am ok.

I try to remember that my feelings are valid.

I try to remember to hold space for that longing if there is someone out there for me.

I try to block those feelings that I will never find someone and this is my sad reality.

I try to block out the negative and sometimes well-meaning pity comments…you know: “He will come when you least expect it. God has a plan in your singleness. God is your boyfriend…blah…blah..blah.”

I just try to give love to those around me the best way I can.

I just try to remember to survive the next 24 hours and then I can buy discounted Valentine candy on February 15.

I will try my best today so you should too. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Blissfully,

Bianca

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Letting Go the Fear of Black Christian Tokenism

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I have spent most of my life being the token black friend. It was just easier to survive and hide with white people because as I said before, I was too white to be black. With that, I was just the only black one in a sea of white. I was ok with it for the most part. I played into the perception of proper Bianca. I chose the white side instead of black. That was most of my life.

Until last year, I was drained from all the racial discord and turmoil. Hiding was not working. It sunk me into a depression and despair. Waking up was hard. The white friends I thought that were on my side were the opposite or indifferent to it. It hurt. God saw my pain and helped me but I had to make tough decisions and really take inventory of my life. I started to eliminate people and spaces that did not allow me to be me…the black me. I learned in therapy that I did not have to pick a color but just be. Anything less of Bianca does not serve me. I have really tried to curate safe spaces that I can thrive in as all of me.

Two months ago, I left a Christian group that was indifferent to people like me. They did not hate me but I never felt like my voice as a Christian was needed. It almost felt like the Christian bubble was rainbows and happiness. We studied the Word like life was not difficult. I felt half of me. I honestly felt like I had to pretend. There were rare moments where I could show myself but it did not happen often. I was in this group for 7 years. Did I get biblical knowledge? Yes. Was I prayed for? Yes. Did I feel safe to be vulnerable as a black Christian woman? No.

I did fear leaving but I had to cause I was just tired of the black tokenism I lived my WHOLE life. I was tired of pleasing certain Christians ALL the time. It’s draining. So if I am not all me, then I don’t want the person or organization, whether Christian or not.

I found my voice. I am learning and growing. I am still being molded. I am letting go of fear of being this perfect black Christian to white Christians.

My relationship with God is mine. God created me to be fully me. Not everyone will like me nor accept my ideals and beliefs. I don’t have to conform to a “white man’s religion.” I can be whole and me with Christ alone and the people and spaces that love me as me.

Blissfully,

Bianca

The Art of Letting Go

It’s hard to let go things that you can’t control. I am learning there are things and experiences that can’t be helped to be honest. I am only in control my reaction. Sometimes situations call for letting it go.

Yes friend, let it go. **Insert Elsa singing “Let It Go”**

Energy is wasted when you try to solve something that is out of your hands. It is not giving up. I used to think I had to care about everything and everyone’s opinion of me. NO! LET IT GO. I pack on the anxieties and emotions of everyone/thing and forget myself.

I have had to learn it is not necessarily me per se. Sometimes it is another person’s insecurities, worries, and hurts put on me. Sometimes the situation is beyond my control and I just happen to be there. I am responsible for me and my sanity. Call it being selfish…but I can only take care of me in a situation.

You may ask: how do you let it go, Bianca? I take inventory of the situation. Did I add to this issue? What is my role in this person’s turmoil or situation? If I add to it, can I make the situation better? If so, how? ( Pretty much: I try to think and/or act to make the situation better, if possible.)

I find that most of the times, even with my best intentions and best efforts, situations don’t go as expected. I just have to remind myself that I did my best. Sometimes my best is not enough but that does not make me a terrible person. I have to let it go; it’s not my burden to carry. I am constantly learning and evolving in my “let it go” moments. I’m not perfect but I am intentionally learning to prioritize myself.

So yes, the art of letting go is REAL. Don’t let everything in life overwhelm you. It’s not worth your sanity. Take inventory of the situation and figure out where you fit in. If you have no part, don’t insert yourself. Let it go.

Blissfully,

Bianca

Keep Climbing

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It seems so hard to climb.

To stop would be to quit.

To keep moving shows my fight.

Fighting with each step and each reach.

Though I slip, I’ll hold on.

Though I fail, I press on.

The journey seems so long.

But I have made it so far.

I can’t go back.

I just can’t.

Blissfully,

Bianca

The Elevation from the 30’s

I don’t know why I thought entering 30 was so bad. It’s actually quite great besides the back pain waking up in the morning. I am now 31 and it’s a new elevation. Through different experiences, I look back and realize I want to do better and live better for my single self.

Bianca in her 20s was people-pleasing and sought a lot of validation. I believe she wanted to be loved sooo much that she was willing to just forget herself most of the time. I really expressed my truth last year at the height of last summer. I told a lot of truths and personal stories that no one knew. Inside, I felt like I lied for a whole decade to many people. To be honest, I was just trying to survive. Surviving was enough…but fully living wasn’t something I considered.

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Now turning 31, I am unlearning…unlearning a lot. Yes, I fall back into old habits. But you know what? I am a work in progress. Life is not about perfection but progression. Even as a Christian, I have to constantly remind myself perfection is not the goal but spiritual growth matters. God is not expecting me to be perfect but to be obedient when I fall short.

My Unlearning has been this:

I am learning what I do matters.

God comes first and Bianca comes afterwards and then everyone else.

I need to honor my time and space.

Toxicity hurts and does not help.

Outside voices do not live my life, thus they do not matter.

God’s truth is infallible. Man’s truth changes.

I matter.

That’s what I got. Like I said, it’s progression. The more I realize, the more I elevate when I do something about it. I just want this post to encourage you to elevate no matter how old you are. I was growing in my 20s but this new decade has had its lessons. So keep elevating.

Blissfully,

Bianca

For My Gain and Not At My Expense: Take Care of You

A person like myself wants to please often. I would rather limit my wants for someone else to be comfortable. #peoplepleasingproblems. I will alter my boundaries to accommodate someone else…at my own expense. And for what? discomfort and for my needs to not be met. Really Bianca!?!

To some like me, this is the norm but not for Simone Biles nor Naomi Osaka. It seems revolutionary but it is the essence of self care. Even at the height of greatness, choose yourself. They both choose self and self preservation over society. You would think to have fame, resources, and access would mean you are set and happy…absolutely NOT! If two beautiful, talented, great athletes need a break, then even little ole me, can figure out ways to choose myself.

Were people outraged? Yes

Were people disappointed? Yes.

Did they die? No.

No one lives your life. Ultimately, no one is living in your body but you. If saying no saves your life and sanity, do it. I’m learning to choose me. Whether it be taking intentional breaks at work, eating alone to recharge, saying no, therapy, breathing exercises, etc. etc…I choose myself. Some people are willing to take and take and take…and they could care less about your needs. Act on what you need. Now we are all not like Ms. Biles nor Ms. Osaka, but find a way to choose yourself in the spaces you inhabit. To some, you are replaceable. But you are only you for a moment in time.

Take care of yourself.

Choose you.

Blissfully,

Bianca

For My Gain and Not At My Expense: Ask

I’d like to think I am superwoman. I can do anything and everything. I don’t want to seem weak or that I am incapable. I would rather take things on myself at the expense of depletion of mind, body, and spirit. At my expense, I thought I could hold together. But at my expense, I experience heartache, anxiety, depression, anguish, and pretty much the Devil’s lies.

In reality, I would be crumbling. My self sufficiency was my downfall. Pride was my downfall. I believe as a black woman, we, as a collective, have this narrative of being strong. But the thing is you can only be strong for so long. I would fake being ok. I would fake strength out of fear of being considered weak. That was the cycle.

Something I have uncovered in therapy is allowing myself the freedom of not being tired and worn out. Speak up. Why hold in what you can let go? The worst that can be said is “No, I can’t help you.” No one will die. The world will not end. And I will be no less Bianca than when I asked for help. I believe when I think of asking like that…it changes the narrative. It opens a level of vulnerability because I am allowing myself relief and letting people in.

I usually don’t let people into the inner parts of my mind and soul. It’s just easier. But at what cost? I am easily the friend to come to with your problems. A person can pour out their soul to me. But why do I not allow myself that openness and kindness to pour my heart to my own friends. That is what I am learning…asking for the help and the listening I give to others. It is preventable so I need to speak up.

Yes, guard your heart because everyone is not your friend. But lately, God has sent genuine people my way. For whatever reason, they check on me. They ask me what do I need. WHAT!?! Like really!?! Yes, little old Bianca can be cared for. So I challenged myself to speak up the past few months. I have been speaking up by asking for prayer, guidance, and a friend who will listen. And these friends have delivered more than what I could have asked for. It has done my heart well and mental health better.

It’s still hard to break the cycle cause I want to still be strong. But I know I am not strong without God’s help and guidance in the resources and people He puts in my path. However, I need to ask and be open and vulnerable to receive what I need.

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“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”-Matthew 7:7

Ask…what’s the hurt in asking what you need?

Blissfully,

Bianca

For My Gain and Not At My Expense: Happy 5th Bliss-versary!!

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I wanted to thank you Bliss Fam! It has been five years since I started this blog. WOW!

My dear family friend suggested to share my wisdom and words of encouragement. I never thought my words mattered . I would have opinions here and there. I loved encouraging others in whatever platform I was in. I never thought it was a gift. I just thought it was just talking.

But, it became so much more.

It has been a gain. I have grown so much. It takes vulnerability and heart to write. I always want you, the reader to feel encouraged and loved. I consider writing as talking to a friend. I always want to give my best work from my heart. At first, I felt like it was a little blog but I am starting to call myself a writer. I write great content that I am proud of. I am still learning but it has been a great ride so far. Thank you all for staying for the ride. Here’s to five more years.

Blissfully,

Bianca

For My Gain and Not For My Expense: God Is Writing My Story

God holds it all together. Me, you, humanity, and everything under heaven. It’s hard to remember sometimes. This pandemic has shifted everything. Even in my life, I felt the pandemic messed up plans, hopes, and dreams. In my life, things have been delayed for whatever reason, even before the pandemic.

It’s hard sometimes. I feel like God has put me through the ringer. I had such plans for my life when I was a 17 year old high school graduate…boy, was I wrong…

But even in the disappointments and uncertainty, I held on to God. Now, I was not happy all the time. I still struggle today. It is hard to see friends and colleagues succeed while I was/am stuck. It is hard seeing the social media shimmer and shine while I am just trying to function and not have a meltdown. But I have to keep going. To stop living life is to lose. I was literally moving by faith hoping for God to change the circumstance in the valley. I have moments of mourning and anxiety when things go wrong. It just hurts. But like Job, I will not denounce God…I just try my best to live for Him.

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord  in the land of the living.-Psalm 26:13

Here comes this song by Maverick City Music-You Hold It All Together. The lyrics are so real. God always comes at the right time. God is still writing my story. Yes, my chapters are different from everyone else but that does not mean God is not working.

I know that God has good in store for me. I do get anxious. However, I know that my life is in His hands. He holds it together. God’s plan is for my gain and His Glory, not to my detriment nor expense.

Bliss Fam, we all carry so much but God still has a plan. Don’t give up. God is holding this crazy thing called life together. He loves us even when life is hard.

My favorite lyric is: God of my present, God of my future, You write my story, You hold it all together

He was always there, He is still there, and He will always be there.

Hang in there, Bliss Fam. God is still writing mine and our story.

Blissfully,

Bianca

For My Gain and Not At My Expense: Be Brave To Leave

I am such a people pleaser and seek to be validated. I always felt the need to serve and go above and beyond to prove my worth even at the expense of being drained and not being given back the same service. This is true in all facets of my life. It is the same vicious cycle.

I am not appreciated nor valued though my work is unmatched. My work ethic is solid. My energy is positive and good. So why do I sell myself so short?–probably because I do not think I can do better or I’ve been disappointed so much that I would take scraps than nothing at all…the need to be wanted. A whole lot of things…

Until a defining moment where I left a situation that did not serve me nor appreciate my abilities–it was scary but there is no reason to stay in the situation. I gave my all but came up with little. I received and accepted scrap metal when I was giving gold. I was physically, emotionally, mentally, and emotionally drained. Then my dear mom said, “Leave.”

Leave? I thought my mom was crazy. But there is truth in that one word.

I am learning I don’t need to stay where I am not wanted nor valued. If people do not understand, you do not owe them an explanation. Just leave.

I wish it could be easy to do. I wish I could tell you that all answers will be solved. I wish I could say there will be an easy transition.

All I can say is to trust God and yourself for the next step. You have to leap in faith and know that God’s got you . Sometimes you need to leave to see and know your worth. Hold your head high and move forward. Leave and know your value and be brave to leave something that does not add to you.

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It’s ok to leave when something doesn’t serve you.

Blissfully,

Bianca