Letting Go the Fear of Black Christian Tokenism

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I have spent most of my life being the token black friend. It was just easier to survive and hide with white people because as I said before, I was too white to be black. With that, I was just the only black one in a sea of white. I was ok with it for the most part. I played into the perception of proper Bianca. I chose the white side instead of black. That was most of my life.

Until last year, I was drained from all the racial discord and turmoil. Hiding was not working. It sunk me into a depression and despair. Waking up was hard. The white friends I thought that were on my side were the opposite or indifferent to it. It hurt. God saw my pain and helped me but I had to make tough decisions and really take inventory of my life. I started to eliminate people and spaces that did not allow me to be me…the black me. I learned in therapy that I did not have to pick a color but just be. Anything less of Bianca does not serve me. I have really tried to curate safe spaces that I can thrive in as all of me.

Two months ago, I left a Christian group that was indifferent to people like me. They did not hate me but I never felt like my voice as a Christian was needed. It almost felt like the Christian bubble was rainbows and happiness. We studied the Word like life was not difficult. I felt half of me. I honestly felt like I had to pretend. There were rare moments where I could show myself but it did not happen often. I was in this group for 7 years. Did I get biblical knowledge? Yes. Was I prayed for? Yes. Did I feel safe to be vulnerable as a black Christian woman? No.

I did fear leaving but I had to cause I was just tired of the black tokenism I lived my WHOLE life. I was tired of pleasing certain Christians ALL the time. It’s draining. So if I am not all me, then I don’t want the person or organization, whether Christian or not.

I found my voice. I am learning and growing. I am still being molded. I am letting go of fear of being this perfect black Christian to white Christians.

My relationship with God is mine. God created me to be fully me. Not everyone will like me nor accept my ideals and beliefs. I don’t have to conform to a “white man’s religion.” I can be whole and me with Christ alone and the people and spaces that love me as me.

Blissfully,

Bianca

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Keep Climbing

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It seems so hard to climb.

To stop would be to quit.

To keep moving shows my fight.

Fighting with each step and each reach.

Though I slip, I’ll hold on.

Though I fail, I press on.

The journey seems so long.

But I have made it so far.

I can’t go back.

I just can’t.

Blissfully,

Bianca

Blissful List of Keeping Mental Sanity At Work

If there is one thing the pandemic has taught me, it has taught me work is not sum total of my being. Work is something I do but I still need to be a person. I am more than my 8 hour work shift. But I can still be me even in my workday.

I have made boundaries to keep my mental sanity at work. I work in a field with intense deadlines and stress ( but isn’t that every job…). I also don’t work from home. It’s a lot that can be thrown at you. So keeping a level head is the game plan.

This is my list as a reference. I encourage you to try and cultivate healthy, sane moments in your workday. So here is my list:

1. Get UP and OUT of your work space. I try after 45 minutes to an hour after working diligently to get up…whether to go to the bathroom, the break room, or get a snack. I sit for my job so it is good to work out the muscles.
2. Honor your lunch break. The work is not going anywhere. My job (and most jobs) take that hour anyways. Thankfully, my office building has a guest area where I eat. It’s a change of scenery. I listen to a podcast or music or call my mom. I get a breather. It’s a time for me to recharge and that’s ok.
3. Tea time. The mid-day slowdown is real. I make my tea (I buy it so it is mine alone) and I make it at 3 or before then to enjoy. It soothes me and also helps me to keep working. I get off work at 6PM so I will need a jump.
4. Affirmations I Mediate On– The caring, type-A empath wants everything to be perfect but reality does not work that way. Sometimes I mess up or I do not finish all that I need to in a particular day. I am really hard on myself. Affirmations fight the negative. So what I say is: Bianca, you are one person. You can only do so much in 8 hours. You are human. You are learning.
5. Working Music-Depending on the assignment I am working on, I listen to music to focus, to calm my spirits, and to add a little “fun” in my work.
6. Talk to God– God is only a call away. My anxiety gets the best of me. In a high stress environment, it is easy to fall in despair. But, when I call on God, He helps me manage the day. Whether it’s a meeting I have, working on a case, or a client meeting, God will calm me or make the situation better/manageable. God gave me this job so it’s ok to talk about my job with him.

That’s my game plan. It has helped. It keeps my workday manageable though it is not easy. A job is a part of your life but not the sum of your being unless you make it that way. You can use my list and come up with little, sane moments of joy during your workday and workweek.

Blissfully,

Bianca

The Elevation from the 30’s

I don’t know why I thought entering 30 was so bad. It’s actually quite great besides the back pain waking up in the morning. I am now 31 and it’s a new elevation. Through different experiences, I look back and realize I want to do better and live better for my single self.

Bianca in her 20s was people-pleasing and sought a lot of validation. I believe she wanted to be loved sooo much that she was willing to just forget herself most of the time. I really expressed my truth last year at the height of last summer. I told a lot of truths and personal stories that no one knew. Inside, I felt like I lied for a whole decade to many people. To be honest, I was just trying to survive. Surviving was enough…but fully living wasn’t something I considered.

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Now turning 31, I am unlearning…unlearning a lot. Yes, I fall back into old habits. But you know what? I am a work in progress. Life is not about perfection but progression. Even as a Christian, I have to constantly remind myself perfection is not the goal but spiritual growth matters. God is not expecting me to be perfect but to be obedient when I fall short.

My Unlearning has been this:

I am learning what I do matters.

God comes first and Bianca comes afterwards and then everyone else.

I need to honor my time and space.

Toxicity hurts and does not help.

Outside voices do not live my life, thus they do not matter.

God’s truth is infallible. Man’s truth changes.

I matter.

That’s what I got. Like I said, it’s progression. The more I realize, the more I elevate when I do something about it. I just want this post to encourage you to elevate no matter how old you are. I was growing in my 20s but this new decade has had its lessons. So keep elevating.

Blissfully,

Bianca

For My Gain and Not At My Expense: Ask

I’d like to think I am superwoman. I can do anything and everything. I don’t want to seem weak or that I am incapable. I would rather take things on myself at the expense of depletion of mind, body, and spirit. At my expense, I thought I could hold together. But at my expense, I experience heartache, anxiety, depression, anguish, and pretty much the Devil’s lies.

In reality, I would be crumbling. My self sufficiency was my downfall. Pride was my downfall. I believe as a black woman, we, as a collective, have this narrative of being strong. But the thing is you can only be strong for so long. I would fake being ok. I would fake strength out of fear of being considered weak. That was the cycle.

Something I have uncovered in therapy is allowing myself the freedom of not being tired and worn out. Speak up. Why hold in what you can let go? The worst that can be said is “No, I can’t help you.” No one will die. The world will not end. And I will be no less Bianca than when I asked for help. I believe when I think of asking like that…it changes the narrative. It opens a level of vulnerability because I am allowing myself relief and letting people in.

I usually don’t let people into the inner parts of my mind and soul. It’s just easier. But at what cost? I am easily the friend to come to with your problems. A person can pour out their soul to me. But why do I not allow myself that openness and kindness to pour my heart to my own friends. That is what I am learning…asking for the help and the listening I give to others. It is preventable so I need to speak up.

Yes, guard your heart because everyone is not your friend. But lately, God has sent genuine people my way. For whatever reason, they check on me. They ask me what do I need. WHAT!?! Like really!?! Yes, little old Bianca can be cared for. So I challenged myself to speak up the past few months. I have been speaking up by asking for prayer, guidance, and a friend who will listen. And these friends have delivered more than what I could have asked for. It has done my heart well and mental health better.

It’s still hard to break the cycle cause I want to still be strong. But I know I am not strong without God’s help and guidance in the resources and people He puts in my path. However, I need to ask and be open and vulnerable to receive what I need.

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“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”-Matthew 7:7

Ask…what’s the hurt in asking what you need?

Blissfully,

Bianca

For My Gain and Not At My Expense: Happy 5th Bliss-versary!!

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I wanted to thank you Bliss Fam! It has been five years since I started this blog. WOW!

My dear family friend suggested to share my wisdom and words of encouragement. I never thought my words mattered . I would have opinions here and there. I loved encouraging others in whatever platform I was in. I never thought it was a gift. I just thought it was just talking.

But, it became so much more.

It has been a gain. I have grown so much. It takes vulnerability and heart to write. I always want you, the reader to feel encouraged and loved. I consider writing as talking to a friend. I always want to give my best work from my heart. At first, I felt like it was a little blog but I am starting to call myself a writer. I write great content that I am proud of. I am still learning but it has been a great ride so far. Thank you all for staying for the ride. Here’s to five more years.

Blissfully,

Bianca

For My Gain and Not At My Expense: Be Brave To Leave

I am such a people pleaser and seek to be validated. I always felt the need to serve and go above and beyond to prove my worth even at the expense of being drained and not being given back the same service. This is true in all facets of my life. It is the same vicious cycle.

I am not appreciated nor valued though my work is unmatched. My work ethic is solid. My energy is positive and good. So why do I sell myself so short?–probably because I do not think I can do better or I’ve been disappointed so much that I would take scraps than nothing at all…the need to be wanted. A whole lot of things…

Until a defining moment where I left a situation that did not serve me nor appreciate my abilities–it was scary but there is no reason to stay in the situation. I gave my all but came up with little. I received and accepted scrap metal when I was giving gold. I was physically, emotionally, mentally, and emotionally drained. Then my dear mom said, “Leave.”

Leave? I thought my mom was crazy. But there is truth in that one word.

I am learning I don’t need to stay where I am not wanted nor valued. If people do not understand, you do not owe them an explanation. Just leave.

I wish it could be easy to do. I wish I could tell you that all answers will be solved. I wish I could say there will be an easy transition.

All I can say is to trust God and yourself for the next step. You have to leap in faith and know that God’s got you . Sometimes you need to leave to see and know your worth. Hold your head high and move forward. Leave and know your value and be brave to leave something that does not add to you.

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It’s ok to leave when something doesn’t serve you.

Blissfully,

Bianca

The 30 Year Audit

I am experiencing a harvest that I did not expect.

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Year 30 has been an interesting start to a new decade of living. Last year, I turned a new age at the height of the pandemic. I was in an identity-crisis like everyone else, just trying to navigate life and figure out, “What am I going to do?” I thought that it would be fruitless to be honest. I thought that I would be in waiting for a harvest. But you know what? I was yielding a harvest I did not realize. I was growing, changing, and evolving.

Mental health was a defining moment for Year 30. Going to therapy was a BIG STEP in my growth process. To divulge hurts, disappointments, and traumas that I knew or did not realize that I kept in. I LOVE MY THERAPIST. I do believe God hand-picked her for me: a black Christian therapist. She has been a great, guiding facilitator in my growth and development. I do feel a sense of ownership in my narrative.

Knowing my worth is a lesson in all facets of my life. I made very big decisions to walk away because I realized that I deserved more. I did not deserve to be ostracized, criticized, nor belittled for who I am. I can eliminate the situation or the person. I don’t need to feel bad at all for protecting my soul. My worth is defined by God in every facet of my life as a black, Haiti-American Christian. So I can hire and fire people and situations accordingly.

My story is worth telling. During the pandemic was the height of racial tension and reckoning. I had two choices: hide and destroy myself internally or be about change and open myself up. It was hard to be honest, sharing racial traumas in my life. I had people reach out because they honestly thought I was fine but I was just trying to survive. Yes, people gave me flack and tried to explain away my experiences but I stood in my truth. I had to let go and it felt good in the end because I had real dialogues with people about race and gave people perspective. My hope was to make people think.. and I believe I did that.

I am curating my quality tribe. I have had great people come in my life in Year 30. Quality, salt of the earth people. I am learning to ask for help and prayer. Not just be a friend to someone but allow my friends to be my friend (or at least rise to the occasion). I am quite stubborn with friendships; I give all of myself but I don’t allow people to do the same. But I am trying to be better. Not everyone who is my friend on social media is my friend. There are levels of “friendship” but then there is my tribe and village. That is special to me and I am curating that. They know who they are. I feel loved and supported by them. It’s pretty awesome.

My life has teachable moments for others. Alongside my story is worth telling, my story is worth helping others. I guess I am old enough to give wisdom. God has given me opportunities to invest in the future generations. Young adults and kids are listening and looking up to me for advice and guidance. I was once in their shoes so it is amazing how God can use “little old me” to show me how far He has brought me.

***BONUS***– Back pain is real in your 30s. Like I have to give myself a moment to prepare my body to wake up. My body is changing I guess.

That is my 30 Year Audit. It’s been a great start so we will see where it goes in Year 31.

Blissfully,

Bianca

I Get It From My Daddy

In honor of Father’s Day, I wanted to do a blissful list of traits I inherited or have grown into from my dad. My dad is a simple man. He’s a hard worker who loves the Lord and takes care of his family. He lets me be crazy me. He puts up with me cause sometimes I get too type A. He is a go with flow type. It drives me crazy but I still love and admire him for it.

So here goes my list:

1. I am a carbon copy of my dad…same smile, same long face, same facial qualities.
2. My sense of humor and -isms comes from my dad. The things that come out of our mouths can make people drop to the floor. My mom does say “You act just like your father” or “You are your father’s daughter”
3. Roadtrip masters– my dad taught me how to drive and everything in-between. All the tips and tricks to a successful road trip, I owe to my dad.
4. Taste in Music– My dad loves all kinds of music. My love of Michael Jackson and Sade comes from my dad. Great story: This past Grammy award, during the in memoriam slideshow, I saw that Bunny Wailer, a famous reggae star passed. My mom was shocked that I knew who he was. I replied, “Of course, I would. Daddy would play Bob Marley and the Wailers all the time.” It’s safe to say my dad was proud.
5. I love listening to podcasts because of my dad. When I was a kid, I would be so confused as to why my dad would stop listening to music and listen to people talk. Well, a few years back, I started listening to podcasts on my road trips and now it’s like television to me. A week is not complete without my podcasts.
6. My talent– my dad is not a singer but plays guitar. But still, I was a musical kid because of my dad’s passion for music.
7. My love for Jesus– One of the most endearing qualities of my dad is the fact that he points me to Christ. Our deep talks are always good. When I need advice, he points me to Christ. I love him always for that.

But that’s us. Me and my dad.

Blissfully,

Bianca

When You’re Not There Yet

The last step: budding. You have grown through the dirt and emerge in flower form. You are ready to show the world: I AM HERE! You’re 80% there, you just have 20% left to go. And yet it’s not time.

I know that feeling all too well. Yesterday was tough finding out that I did not pass the Bar again. Once again, I was ready to complete the growth. Spread my wings, be independent, and thrive. But it was not time.

God controls the beginnings, the in-betweens, and the outcomes.

A flower bud is not lesser than a fully bloomed flower. Both are flowers. Both struggled to grow. It’s just God designed them uniquely and differently. But God still provides for both.

Some people pass the Bar on the first try. Some pass on the second try. Some pass one section and not the other. Some pass after several tries. But once you pass, you are an Esquire.

So, I will not be ashamed. I just bloom differently. I will get there. It’s just not time yet. But I am still blooming. My time will come.

Blissfully,

Bianca