Living Black History

As February ends, Black History remains because I am black 365 days a year.

I want to inspire my melanated brothers, sisters, and persons to be. Just be fully in your blackness in the spaces you inhabit. We may be different shades and come from different backgrounds but to be black is revolutionary.

Society wants to eliminate our stories, our histories, and our books. Just be.

When microaggressions feel like fire-shooting arrows, just be.

When it gets hard, just be.

When the sun is shining on you, just be.

I’ve spent most of my life trying to conform and box myself in. I am a reformed token black friend. I’ve always had the fire-shooting arrows of not being black enough while living in world where racism and white supremacy throw their arrows. I was fighting internal wars often.

Since the pandemic and turning 30, I have allowed myself the space to be. When I say just be, I say to tap into my emotions, my soul, and my body. Just being is validating who you are. Tap into yourself. Honor yourself. I honor when I am happy and when I am struggling. As the kids say, I’m living a soft life. I’m not the strong black woman anymore. I take myself off that pedestal. I’m choosing to be.

Black people, you are limitless. Just be. Remember that every day of 2023 and onward.

Blissfully,

Bianca

Advertisement

Confessions of a 32 Year Single Lady on the Biggest Love Day of the Year

Today may be another day. Today may be the awareness of a mourned relationship, a love that may never be, or a love yet to be. Or today may be the best day.

All I want you to know is that it’s ok to struggle today.

Believe me, I am in year 32 still single. I struggle. There are varying emotions I feel.

I try to remember that there are people who love me and support me every day.

I try to remember that I am ok.

I try to remember that my feelings are valid.

I try to remember to hold space for that longing if there is someone out there for me.

I try to block those feelings that I will never find someone and this is my sad reality.

I try to block out the negative and sometimes well-meaning pity comments…you know: “He will come when you least expect it. God has a plan in your singleness. God is your boyfriend…blah…blah..blah.”

I just try to give love to those around me the best way I can.

I just try to remember to survive the next 24 hours and then I can buy discounted Valentine candy on February 15.

I will try my best today so you should too. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Blissfully,

Bianca

Letting Go the Fear of Black Christian Tokenism

Photo by Olya Kobruseva on Pexels.com

I have spent most of my life being the token black friend. It was just easier to survive and hide with white people because as I said before, I was too white to be black. With that, I was just the only black one in a sea of white. I was ok with it for the most part. I played into the perception of proper Bianca. I chose the white side instead of black. That was most of my life.

Until last year, I was drained from all the racial discord and turmoil. Hiding was not working. It sunk me into a depression and despair. Waking up was hard. The white friends I thought that were on my side were the opposite or indifferent to it. It hurt. God saw my pain and helped me but I had to make tough decisions and really take inventory of my life. I started to eliminate people and spaces that did not allow me to be me…the black me. I learned in therapy that I did not have to pick a color but just be. Anything less of Bianca does not serve me. I have really tried to curate safe spaces that I can thrive in as all of me.

Two months ago, I left a Christian group that was indifferent to people like me. They did not hate me but I never felt like my voice as a Christian was needed. It almost felt like the Christian bubble was rainbows and happiness. We studied the Word like life was not difficult. I felt half of me. I honestly felt like I had to pretend. There were rare moments where I could show myself but it did not happen often. I was in this group for 7 years. Did I get biblical knowledge? Yes. Was I prayed for? Yes. Did I feel safe to be vulnerable as a black Christian woman? No.

I did fear leaving but I had to cause I was just tired of the black tokenism I lived my WHOLE life. I was tired of pleasing certain Christians ALL the time. It’s draining. So if I am not all me, then I don’t want the person or organization, whether Christian or not.

I found my voice. I am learning and growing. I am still being molded. I am letting go of fear of being this perfect black Christian to white Christians.

My relationship with God is mine. God created me to be fully me. Not everyone will like me nor accept my ideals and beliefs. I don’t have to conform to a “white man’s religion.” I can be whole and me with Christ alone and the people and spaces that love me as me.

Blissfully,

Bianca

The Elevation from the 30’s

I don’t know why I thought entering 30 was so bad. It’s actually quite great besides the back pain waking up in the morning. I am now 31 and it’s a new elevation. Through different experiences, I look back and realize I want to do better and live better for my single self.

Bianca in her 20s was people-pleasing and sought a lot of validation. I believe she wanted to be loved sooo much that she was willing to just forget herself most of the time. I really expressed my truth last year at the height of last summer. I told a lot of truths and personal stories that no one knew. Inside, I felt like I lied for a whole decade to many people. To be honest, I was just trying to survive. Surviving was enough…but fully living wasn’t something I considered.

Photo by eberhard grossgasteiger on Pexels.com

Now turning 31, I am unlearning…unlearning a lot. Yes, I fall back into old habits. But you know what? I am a work in progress. Life is not about perfection but progression. Even as a Christian, I have to constantly remind myself perfection is not the goal but spiritual growth matters. God is not expecting me to be perfect but to be obedient when I fall short.

My Unlearning has been this:

I am learning what I do matters.

God comes first and Bianca comes afterwards and then everyone else.

I need to honor my time and space.

Toxicity hurts and does not help.

Outside voices do not live my life, thus they do not matter.

God’s truth is infallible. Man’s truth changes.

I matter.

That’s what I got. Like I said, it’s progression. The more I realize, the more I elevate when I do something about it. I just want this post to encourage you to elevate no matter how old you are. I was growing in my 20s but this new decade has had its lessons. So keep elevating.

Blissfully,

Bianca

For My Gain and Not At My Expense: Ask

I’d like to think I am superwoman. I can do anything and everything. I don’t want to seem weak or that I am incapable. I would rather take things on myself at the expense of depletion of mind, body, and spirit. At my expense, I thought I could hold together. But at my expense, I experience heartache, anxiety, depression, anguish, and pretty much the Devil’s lies.

In reality, I would be crumbling. My self sufficiency was my downfall. Pride was my downfall. I believe as a black woman, we, as a collective, have this narrative of being strong. But the thing is you can only be strong for so long. I would fake being ok. I would fake strength out of fear of being considered weak. That was the cycle.

Something I have uncovered in therapy is allowing myself the freedom of not being tired and worn out. Speak up. Why hold in what you can let go? The worst that can be said is “No, I can’t help you.” No one will die. The world will not end. And I will be no less Bianca than when I asked for help. I believe when I think of asking like that…it changes the narrative. It opens a level of vulnerability because I am allowing myself relief and letting people in.

I usually don’t let people into the inner parts of my mind and soul. It’s just easier. But at what cost? I am easily the friend to come to with your problems. A person can pour out their soul to me. But why do I not allow myself that openness and kindness to pour my heart to my own friends. That is what I am learning…asking for the help and the listening I give to others. It is preventable so I need to speak up.

Yes, guard your heart because everyone is not your friend. But lately, God has sent genuine people my way. For whatever reason, they check on me. They ask me what do I need. WHAT!?! Like really!?! Yes, little old Bianca can be cared for. So I challenged myself to speak up the past few months. I have been speaking up by asking for prayer, guidance, and a friend who will listen. And these friends have delivered more than what I could have asked for. It has done my heart well and mental health better.

It’s still hard to break the cycle cause I want to still be strong. But I know I am not strong without God’s help and guidance in the resources and people He puts in my path. However, I need to ask and be open and vulnerable to receive what I need.

Photo by Steve Johnson on Pexels.com

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”-Matthew 7:7

Ask…what’s the hurt in asking what you need?

Blissfully,

Bianca

The 30 Year Audit

I am experiencing a harvest that I did not expect.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Year 30 has been an interesting start to a new decade of living. Last year, I turned a new age at the height of the pandemic. I was in an identity-crisis like everyone else, just trying to navigate life and figure out, “What am I going to do?” I thought that it would be fruitless to be honest. I thought that I would be in waiting for a harvest. But you know what? I was yielding a harvest I did not realize. I was growing, changing, and evolving.

Mental health was a defining moment for Year 30. Going to therapy was a BIG STEP in my growth process. To divulge hurts, disappointments, and traumas that I knew or did not realize that I kept in. I LOVE MY THERAPIST. I do believe God hand-picked her for me: a black Christian therapist. She has been a great, guiding facilitator in my growth and development. I do feel a sense of ownership in my narrative.

Knowing my worth is a lesson in all facets of my life. I made very big decisions to walk away because I realized that I deserved more. I did not deserve to be ostracized, criticized, nor belittled for who I am. I can eliminate the situation or the person. I don’t need to feel bad at all for protecting my soul. My worth is defined by God in every facet of my life as a black, Haiti-American Christian. So I can hire and fire people and situations accordingly.

My story is worth telling. During the pandemic was the height of racial tension and reckoning. I had two choices: hide and destroy myself internally or be about change and open myself up. It was hard to be honest, sharing racial traumas in my life. I had people reach out because they honestly thought I was fine but I was just trying to survive. Yes, people gave me flack and tried to explain away my experiences but I stood in my truth. I had to let go and it felt good in the end because I had real dialogues with people about race and gave people perspective. My hope was to make people think.. and I believe I did that.

I am curating my quality tribe. I have had great people come in my life in Year 30. Quality, salt of the earth people. I am learning to ask for help and prayer. Not just be a friend to someone but allow my friends to be my friend (or at least rise to the occasion). I am quite stubborn with friendships; I give all of myself but I don’t allow people to do the same. But I am trying to be better. Not everyone who is my friend on social media is my friend. There are levels of “friendship” but then there is my tribe and village. That is special to me and I am curating that. They know who they are. I feel loved and supported by them. It’s pretty awesome.

My life has teachable moments for others. Alongside my story is worth telling, my story is worth helping others. I guess I am old enough to give wisdom. God has given me opportunities to invest in the future generations. Young adults and kids are listening and looking up to me for advice and guidance. I was once in their shoes so it is amazing how God can use “little old me” to show me how far He has brought me.

***BONUS***– Back pain is real in your 30s. Like I have to give myself a moment to prepare my body to wake up. My body is changing I guess.

That is my 30 Year Audit. It’s been a great start so we will see where it goes in Year 31.

Blissfully,

Bianca

I Get It From My Daddy

In honor of Father’s Day, I wanted to do a blissful list of traits I inherited or have grown into from my dad. My dad is a simple man. He’s a hard worker who loves the Lord and takes care of his family. He lets me be crazy me. He puts up with me cause sometimes I get too type A. He is a go with flow type. It drives me crazy but I still love and admire him for it.

So here goes my list:

1. I am a carbon copy of my dad…same smile, same long face, same facial qualities.
2. My sense of humor and -isms comes from my dad. The things that come out of our mouths can make people drop to the floor. My mom does say “You act just like your father” or “You are your father’s daughter”
3. Roadtrip masters– my dad taught me how to drive and everything in-between. All the tips and tricks to a successful road trip, I owe to my dad.
4. Taste in Music– My dad loves all kinds of music. My love of Michael Jackson and Sade comes from my dad. Great story: This past Grammy award, during the in memoriam slideshow, I saw that Bunny Wailer, a famous reggae star passed. My mom was shocked that I knew who he was. I replied, “Of course, I would. Daddy would play Bob Marley and the Wailers all the time.” It’s safe to say my dad was proud.
5. I love listening to podcasts because of my dad. When I was a kid, I would be so confused as to why my dad would stop listening to music and listen to people talk. Well, a few years back, I started listening to podcasts on my road trips and now it’s like television to me. A week is not complete without my podcasts.
6. My talent– my dad is not a singer but plays guitar. But still, I was a musical kid because of my dad’s passion for music.
7. My love for Jesus– One of the most endearing qualities of my dad is the fact that he points me to Christ. Our deep talks are always good. When I need advice, he points me to Christ. I love him always for that.

But that’s us. Me and my dad.

Blissfully,

Bianca

A Leap of Faith

Photo by Anastasia Lashkevich on Pexels.com

It’s ok to be scared but leap. God’s got you. In this past week, I had to choose whether to leap in faith or let my toxic pride cloud the help I needed.

I knew what I wanted to do but it was just terrifying. I asked God for one thing and He gave me something different. He likes to do that.

I am a cautious person so I don’t like surprises nor uncertainty about what is next. I am a type A planner, control freak through and through. But, that’s not faith. It’s fear. Fear is quite the monster. Fear is a thief of life itself. You can either give into it or fight with faith. Toxic pride creates a control freak mentality over everything and I get so frustrated when things are different than my plans. My anxiety goes through the roof and the past mistakes creep up. I am on edge. Fear cripples and eats me alive.

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.-Hebrews 11:1

Faith in action is hard. It’s not a noun but a verb. It’s a daily exercise and practice. Faith is going into the unknown but it is also knowing that God is ever-present leading and guiding you. He knows you (and I) are scared but He’s a Comforter and Sustainer. He will not let you fall no matter how many times you (and I) think otherwise. Breathe. Inhale and Exhale. It’s scary but God’s got you. He will never leave you nor forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6).

So I just wanted to share that. It’s ok to be scared. We are human. Every day is a battle. But just know God is with you even in the unknown places and decisions we need to make. Leap in faith. When God puts faith inside of you, all things are possible. With that comes surrender to self and pride. Fear does not allow you leap, faith does. Trusting God takes faith not fear only. Living takes faith not fear.

So leap in faith.

Blissfully,

Bianca

Simple Bliss: Gratitude List

Though I am grateful internally, I wanted to express gratitude externally for this season of life. It is easy to talk about what is going wrong in your life and things you want to fix/change. I’m speaking to myself. Just know, there is always room to give gratitude.

“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”- 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Yes, be grateful in ALL things. So here is my gratitude list:

1. My mental clarity has evolved in the way I protect my mind, body, and spirit. Therapy has been a game-changer. I see its positive effects in the way I carry myself and deal with situations.
2. My style is AMAZING! My LEWKS for the spring and summer are beautiful and just my style.
3. Having a job has given me some financial relief. A steady paycheck is good to have.
4. My summer hair is GOALS (to me)! Long, brown braids…yup. I be cute!
5. I am grateful for my support group of family and friends. There are some days where I do not feel my best. They are a text and prayer away from giving me encouragement. I feel loved and it is a great feeling. I am blessed for my tribe and my tribe knows who they are
6. My new church- truly a great community.

Enough about me. What are you grateful for like right now? It will make you feel good when you list it. It does not have to be big…it can be as simple as waking up to see another day. But, do that and you will see the difference in your mood.

Blissfully,

Bianca

Vaxxed Redemption Summer Fun List

Photo by Travis Rupert on Pexels.com

This time last year, summer was spent inside. Yes, some still ventured like there was not a global pandemic outside. But, me, myself, and I stayed safe and erred on the side of caution for my health and my family’s health.

But ya girl is vaxxed and READY FOR SUMMER. To specify, a warm, Christian grown lady summer. I’m not going crazy but I really want to do stuff. So, here is my list for Summer 2021.

• Paint Night
• Outdoor Activity (i.e. a hike, go to the park, etc.)
• Do something daring *Bonus*
• A spa day
• Brunch with a friend(s)
• A fun redemption birthday celebration (June 28th baby!!)
• Attend in-person church
• Have a pool day
• Go to a museum
• A day of nothing/chill day

So what is on your summer fun list for 2021?

Blissfully,

Bianca