Living Black History

As February ends, Black History remains because I am black 365 days a year.

I want to inspire my melanated brothers, sisters, and persons to be. Just be fully in your blackness in the spaces you inhabit. We may be different shades and come from different backgrounds but to be black is revolutionary.

Society wants to eliminate our stories, our histories, and our books. Just be.

When microaggressions feel like fire-shooting arrows, just be.

When it gets hard, just be.

When the sun is shining on you, just be.

I’ve spent most of my life trying to conform and box myself in. I am a reformed token black friend. I’ve always had the fire-shooting arrows of not being black enough while living in world where racism and white supremacy throw their arrows. I was fighting internal wars often.

Since the pandemic and turning 30, I have allowed myself the space to be. When I say just be, I say to tap into my emotions, my soul, and my body. Just being is validating who you are. Tap into yourself. Honor yourself. I honor when I am happy and when I am struggling. As the kids say, I’m living a soft life. I’m not the strong black woman anymore. I take myself off that pedestal. I’m choosing to be.

Black people, you are limitless. Just be. Remember that every day of 2023 and onward.

Blissfully,

Bianca

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The Aftermath of Letting Go

I’m not who I used to be. You know the feeling when you feel like you’re not growing but a situation causes you to respond differently than before. It’s like “Oh, I guess I was growing.”

I keep telling you life in my 30s is something to behold.

20s Bianca was very people-pleasing, sensitive, gave too much power to other people’s opinions, and was very much critical of herself. I’m still working on being critical of myself but the other stuff, there is growth. I have noticed that I have the fight in me. I may be small but don’t get it twisted…I come back. I may get frustrated but never to the point of tears. I have more grit and strength than before.

I wish I knew the moment where it clicked. But God works in mysterious ways. He works in silence like the “n” in lasagna. With every setback, hurt, and lesson, it’s molding me.

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Yet you, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.-Isaiah 64:8

Molding is active. The experiences are loud but the molding is silent. You may not see the growth just yet. But just know God is working. You will see the fruit and growth eventually.

Keep fighting. God will see you fight and honor it. He molds and will mold you if you allow Him to. I mean to take yourself out of the equation and rely on God. Not taking matters into your own hands but allow God full access in every facet of your life.

You don’t grow until you surrender to fact that you cannot do life alone. It is a daily thing that I have to do but I have seen good come out of it. Like I said, I am not the person I used be.

Blissfully,

Bianca

Let Go and Be 5-Star

I let go the foolishness of other people’s toxicity levels. If a person wants to live their life at a 2 star-quality of life, let them be who they want to be…but you do not have to stand for their 2-star review of you. Live in your 5-star quality purpose. PERIODT!

I was talking with a dear friend about relationships. This friend ended a relationship simply because it was like pulling teeth with her partner to want better out of life and make healthy lifestyle choices. My friend tries to operate her life at a 5-star quality. Though life is hard for my friend, she perseveres and moves forward. That’s just the way she’s been raised: to live fearfully and wonderfully made by her Creator, to have self-pride, to carry herself well, and to be resilient in spite of her circumstances…5-star living and nothing less.

Life is not perfect but you have to give it all you got.

But her partner functioned at a 2-star. Now, I am not talking looks. I am referring to the quality of life you bring to the table. Your values, your confidence, your goals, etc. etc. When my friend (5 star) got together with her 2-star partner, there were moments of contention. The two star criticized my friend’s 5-star living as if she was vain and self-absorbed…but that could be far of the truth. Her two-star partner has had past relationships with other 2-stars so my friend, the 5 star was so different. So it just created problems and my friend left the relationship cause it was too much.

I’m not trying to judge or put anyone down. Here is my point: every person has a choice in life on whether to rise above or stay stagnant. Whatever you chose is whatever you chose but just know people may not understand your choice. Don’t let a 2-star’s insecurities affect what you are trying to do.

Don’t let someone’s low star quality affect what you are trying to do. Whether you are at 3 or 5 or at least striving for that, don’t let people shame you into a lower level. Yes, you are human and you are allowed to feel emotion BUT if you have the fight in you, don’t let anything nor anyone downgrade you. NEVER!

Let the 2-star BE the 2-star…just not in your presence.

Blissfully,

Bianca

The Art of Letting Go

It’s hard to let go things that you can’t control. I am learning there are things and experiences that can’t be helped to be honest. I am only in control my reaction. Sometimes situations call for letting it go.

Yes friend, let it go. **Insert Elsa singing “Let It Go”**

Energy is wasted when you try to solve something that is out of your hands. It is not giving up. I used to think I had to care about everything and everyone’s opinion of me. NO! LET IT GO. I pack on the anxieties and emotions of everyone/thing and forget myself.

I have had to learn it is not necessarily me per se. Sometimes it is another person’s insecurities, worries, and hurts put on me. Sometimes the situation is beyond my control and I just happen to be there. I am responsible for me and my sanity. Call it being selfish…but I can only take care of me in a situation.

You may ask: how do you let it go, Bianca? I take inventory of the situation. Did I add to this issue? What is my role in this person’s turmoil or situation? If I add to it, can I make the situation better? If so, how? ( Pretty much: I try to think and/or act to make the situation better, if possible.)

I find that most of the times, even with my best intentions and best efforts, situations don’t go as expected. I just have to remind myself that I did my best. Sometimes my best is not enough but that does not make me a terrible person. I have to let it go; it’s not my burden to carry. I am constantly learning and evolving in my “let it go” moments. I’m not perfect but I am intentionally learning to prioritize myself.

So yes, the art of letting go is REAL. Don’t let everything in life overwhelm you. It’s not worth your sanity. Take inventory of the situation and figure out where you fit in. If you have no part, don’t insert yourself. Let it go.

Blissfully,

Bianca

Keep Climbing

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It seems so hard to climb.

To stop would be to quit.

To keep moving shows my fight.

Fighting with each step and each reach.

Though I slip, I’ll hold on.

Though I fail, I press on.

The journey seems so long.

But I have made it so far.

I can’t go back.

I just can’t.

Blissfully,

Bianca

Blissful List of Keeping Mental Sanity At Work

If there is one thing the pandemic has taught me, it has taught me work is not sum total of my being. Work is something I do but I still need to be a person. I am more than my 8 hour work shift. But I can still be me even in my workday.

I have made boundaries to keep my mental sanity at work. I work in a field with intense deadlines and stress ( but isn’t that every job…). I also don’t work from home. It’s a lot that can be thrown at you. So keeping a level head is the game plan.

This is my list as a reference. I encourage you to try and cultivate healthy, sane moments in your workday. So here is my list:

1. Get UP and OUT of your work space. I try after 45 minutes to an hour after working diligently to get up…whether to go to the bathroom, the break room, or get a snack. I sit for my job so it is good to work out the muscles.
2. Honor your lunch break. The work is not going anywhere. My job (and most jobs) take that hour anyways. Thankfully, my office building has a guest area where I eat. It’s a change of scenery. I listen to a podcast or music or call my mom. I get a breather. It’s a time for me to recharge and that’s ok.
3. Tea time. The mid-day slowdown is real. I make my tea (I buy it so it is mine alone) and I make it at 3 or before then to enjoy. It soothes me and also helps me to keep working. I get off work at 6PM so I will need a jump.
4. Affirmations I Mediate On– The caring, type-A empath wants everything to be perfect but reality does not work that way. Sometimes I mess up or I do not finish all that I need to in a particular day. I am really hard on myself. Affirmations fight the negative. So what I say is: Bianca, you are one person. You can only do so much in 8 hours. You are human. You are learning.
5. Working Music-Depending on the assignment I am working on, I listen to music to focus, to calm my spirits, and to add a little “fun” in my work.
6. Talk to God– God is only a call away. My anxiety gets the best of me. In a high stress environment, it is easy to fall in despair. But, when I call on God, He helps me manage the day. Whether it’s a meeting I have, working on a case, or a client meeting, God will calm me or make the situation better/manageable. God gave me this job so it’s ok to talk about my job with him.

That’s my game plan. It has helped. It keeps my workday manageable though it is not easy. A job is a part of your life but not the sum of your being unless you make it that way. You can use my list and come up with little, sane moments of joy during your workday and workweek.

Blissfully,

Bianca

For My Gain and Not At My Expense: Ask

I’d like to think I am superwoman. I can do anything and everything. I don’t want to seem weak or that I am incapable. I would rather take things on myself at the expense of depletion of mind, body, and spirit. At my expense, I thought I could hold together. But at my expense, I experience heartache, anxiety, depression, anguish, and pretty much the Devil’s lies.

In reality, I would be crumbling. My self sufficiency was my downfall. Pride was my downfall. I believe as a black woman, we, as a collective, have this narrative of being strong. But the thing is you can only be strong for so long. I would fake being ok. I would fake strength out of fear of being considered weak. That was the cycle.

Something I have uncovered in therapy is allowing myself the freedom of not being tired and worn out. Speak up. Why hold in what you can let go? The worst that can be said is “No, I can’t help you.” No one will die. The world will not end. And I will be no less Bianca than when I asked for help. I believe when I think of asking like that…it changes the narrative. It opens a level of vulnerability because I am allowing myself relief and letting people in.

I usually don’t let people into the inner parts of my mind and soul. It’s just easier. But at what cost? I am easily the friend to come to with your problems. A person can pour out their soul to me. But why do I not allow myself that openness and kindness to pour my heart to my own friends. That is what I am learning…asking for the help and the listening I give to others. It is preventable so I need to speak up.

Yes, guard your heart because everyone is not your friend. But lately, God has sent genuine people my way. For whatever reason, they check on me. They ask me what do I need. WHAT!?! Like really!?! Yes, little old Bianca can be cared for. So I challenged myself to speak up the past few months. I have been speaking up by asking for prayer, guidance, and a friend who will listen. And these friends have delivered more than what I could have asked for. It has done my heart well and mental health better.

It’s still hard to break the cycle cause I want to still be strong. But I know I am not strong without God’s help and guidance in the resources and people He puts in my path. However, I need to ask and be open and vulnerable to receive what I need.

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“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”-Matthew 7:7

Ask…what’s the hurt in asking what you need?

Blissfully,

Bianca

The 30 Year Audit

I am experiencing a harvest that I did not expect.

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Year 30 has been an interesting start to a new decade of living. Last year, I turned a new age at the height of the pandemic. I was in an identity-crisis like everyone else, just trying to navigate life and figure out, “What am I going to do?” I thought that it would be fruitless to be honest. I thought that I would be in waiting for a harvest. But you know what? I was yielding a harvest I did not realize. I was growing, changing, and evolving.

Mental health was a defining moment for Year 30. Going to therapy was a BIG STEP in my growth process. To divulge hurts, disappointments, and traumas that I knew or did not realize that I kept in. I LOVE MY THERAPIST. I do believe God hand-picked her for me: a black Christian therapist. She has been a great, guiding facilitator in my growth and development. I do feel a sense of ownership in my narrative.

Knowing my worth is a lesson in all facets of my life. I made very big decisions to walk away because I realized that I deserved more. I did not deserve to be ostracized, criticized, nor belittled for who I am. I can eliminate the situation or the person. I don’t need to feel bad at all for protecting my soul. My worth is defined by God in every facet of my life as a black, Haiti-American Christian. So I can hire and fire people and situations accordingly.

My story is worth telling. During the pandemic was the height of racial tension and reckoning. I had two choices: hide and destroy myself internally or be about change and open myself up. It was hard to be honest, sharing racial traumas in my life. I had people reach out because they honestly thought I was fine but I was just trying to survive. Yes, people gave me flack and tried to explain away my experiences but I stood in my truth. I had to let go and it felt good in the end because I had real dialogues with people about race and gave people perspective. My hope was to make people think.. and I believe I did that.

I am curating my quality tribe. I have had great people come in my life in Year 30. Quality, salt of the earth people. I am learning to ask for help and prayer. Not just be a friend to someone but allow my friends to be my friend (or at least rise to the occasion). I am quite stubborn with friendships; I give all of myself but I don’t allow people to do the same. But I am trying to be better. Not everyone who is my friend on social media is my friend. There are levels of “friendship” but then there is my tribe and village. That is special to me and I am curating that. They know who they are. I feel loved and supported by them. It’s pretty awesome.

My life has teachable moments for others. Alongside my story is worth telling, my story is worth helping others. I guess I am old enough to give wisdom. God has given me opportunities to invest in the future generations. Young adults and kids are listening and looking up to me for advice and guidance. I was once in their shoes so it is amazing how God can use “little old me” to show me how far He has brought me.

***BONUS***– Back pain is real in your 30s. Like I have to give myself a moment to prepare my body to wake up. My body is changing I guess.

That is my 30 Year Audit. It’s been a great start so we will see where it goes in Year 31.

Blissfully,

Bianca

Believe With Bianca: Preach Truth & Be Still

We can all be our worst critic…I am preaching to the choir on this. A deep realization of growth is learning to preach truth to myself and be still. For me, it is staying in God’s Word, the real truth that speaks life.

But, I’m not gonna lie…sometimes I read Scripture and there is no spark or burning bush revelation. Yes, the Bible is God-breathed and active (2 Timothy 3:16). But God’s instruction may cause different responses. Yes, I get conviction and truth but lately, I have been still in His truth and put a verse(s) in my Christian tool box.

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;-Psalm 46:10a

I have been learning to take in scripture and really marinate on a specific truth in my life. I just need to be still. My mind just races constantly about the future. Will life fall into place with my career, with friendships, with a romantic relationship, marriage, children, etc? I almost give myself headaches and anxiety just thinking about an unknown future.

But I am learning to be still. Easier said than done. I remind myself not to worry for what will it add to my life?(Matthew 6:27). Absolutely nothing. The Enemy is trying me but I feel greater is coming…that’s why he is working so hard.

A passage that causes me to be still and preach to myself is: being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.-Philippians 1:6

I am choosing to be still and preach currently: God completes what He starts. So God is not done with me and the things that worry me will be completed in Jesus’ name and timing.

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What do you need to be still and preach truth to yourself about?

Blissfully,

Bianca

Back To Basics: Don’t Give Up!

Sometimes situations seem hopeless. It feels like no matter what you try to do, things just don’t work out.

Disappointment, pain, anxiety, depression, jealousy, and helplessness.

You try. You cast your net to opportunity hoping for something but you come up short.

I know that feeling all too well. The easy thing is to give up. But God says “No.” Every valley, trial, and setback is TEMPORARY. It won’t last forever. God says, “To everything, there is a season.”

There is a time to learn and grow. You just need to keep trying. Try each day. Cast your net. If you get nothing, keep trying.

EXAMPLE YOU ASK? Why of course…

I have tried and tried to find a job in the legal field for a while. I prayed and applied. Pray and applied. I have lost count at how many job applications I sent. After send came the same news, “Thank you for applying but we decided to move on with another candidate.” Rejection after rejection. It was enough to crush me. But I kept applying no matter how bad I felt. My mom would even say “Keep casting.”

I say keep casting as reference from Peter, the fisherman in the Bible. Here is the passage: Just as day was breaking, Jesus stood on the shore; yet the disciples did not know that it was Jesus.  Jesus said to them, “Children, do you have any fish?” They answered him, “No.”  He said to them, “Cast the net on the right side of the boat, and you will find some.” So they cast it, and now they were not able to haul it in, because of the quantity of fish. So Simon Peter went aboard and hauled the net ashore, full of large fish, 153 of them. And although there were so many, the net was not torn.-John 21:4-6,11

You see, I was not alone. Peter, as a fisherman, was struggling with opportunity but Jesus would not let him give up. The result was TEN-FOLD. I mean he got enough to have a fish fry in the village.

But back to my story, I casted one more application at the end of July. And God delivered TEN-FOLD. By August, I had a job. YES! A JOB! One that God designed for this season. I still have to pinch myself that God did this.

God is looking for trust and obedience. It does not mean that you will understand everything. I went in with a little faith but God says if you have the faith of a mustard seed, that a tree could be uprooted into the sea (Luke 17:5-6). Even in our small faith, God plants perseverance and endurance in us but we have to be willing to go our own selfish desire and pride. We have to cast our nets by faith.

Don’t give up. Embrace the season. It is a lesson. You will get where you need to be in God’s timing. Keep at it. Keep casting.

Blissfully,

Bianca