Blogs to Enjoy

Posted in Life as Bianca

Letting Go the Fear of Black Christian Tokenism

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I have spent most of my life being the token black friend. It was just easier to survive and hide with white people because as I said before, I was too white to be black. With that, I was just the only black one in a sea of white. I was ok with it for the most part. I played into the perception of proper Bianca. I chose the white side instead of black. That was most of my life.

Until last year, I was drained from all the racial discord and turmoil. Hiding was not working. It sunk me into a depression and despair. Waking up was hard. The white friends I thought that were on my side were the opposite or indifferent to it. It hurt. God saw my pain and helped me but I had to make tough decisions and really take inventory of my life. I started to eliminate people and spaces that did not allow me to be me…the black me. I learned in therapy that I did not have to pick a color but just be. Anything less of Bianca does not serve me. I have really tried to curate safe spaces that I can thrive in as all of me.

Two months ago, I left a Christian group that was indifferent to people like me. They did not hate me but I never felt like my voice as a Christian was needed. It almost felt like the Christian bubble was rainbows and happiness. We studied the Word like life was not difficult. I felt half of me. I honestly felt like I had to pretend. There were rare moments where I could show myself but it did not happen often. I was in this group for 7 years. Did I get biblical knowledge? Yes. Was I prayed for? Yes. Did I feel safe to be vulnerable as a black Christian woman? No.

I did fear leaving but I had to cause I was just tired of the black tokenism I lived my WHOLE life. I was tired of pleasing certain Christians ALL the time. It’s draining. So if I am not all me, then I don’t want the person or organization, whether Christian or not.

I found my voice. I am learning and growing. I am still being molded. I am letting go of fear of being this perfect black Christian to white Christians.

My relationship with God is mine. God created me to be fully me. Not everyone will like me nor accept my ideals and beliefs. I don’t have to conform to a “white man’s religion.” I can be whole and me with Christ alone and the people and spaces that love me as me.

Blissfully,

Bianca

Posted in Believe with Bianca, Life as Bianca

The Aftermath of Letting Go

I’m not who I used to be. You know the feeling when you feel like you’re not growing but a situation causes you to respond differently than before. It’s like “Oh, I guess I was growing.”

I keep telling you life in my 30s is something to behold.

20s Bianca was very people-pleasing, sensitive, gave too much power to other people’s opinions, and was very much critical of herself. I’m still working on being critical of myself but the other stuff, there is growth. I have noticed that I have the fight in me. I may be small but don’t get it twisted…I come back. I may get frustrated but never to the point of tears. I have more grit and strength than before.

I wish I knew the moment where it clicked. But God works in mysterious ways. He works in silence like the “n” in lasagna. With every setback, hurt, and lesson, it’s molding me.

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Yet you, Lord, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.-Isaiah 64:8

Molding is active. The experiences are loud but the molding is silent. You may not see the growth just yet. But just know God is working. You will see the fruit and growth eventually.

Keep fighting. God will see you fight and honor it. He molds and will mold you if you allow Him to. I mean to take yourself out of the equation and rely on God. Not taking matters into your own hands but allow God full access in every facet of your life.

You don’t grow until you surrender to fact that you cannot do life alone. It is a daily thing that I have to do but I have seen good come out of it. Like I said, I am not the person I used be.

Blissfully,

Bianca

Posted in A Word from Mama B!, Believe with Bianca

Let Go and Be 5-Star

I let go the foolishness of other people’s toxicity levels. If a person wants to live their life at a 2 star-quality of life, let them be who they want to be…but you do not have to stand for their 2-star review of you. Live in your 5-star quality purpose. PERIODT!

I was talking with a dear friend about relationships. This friend ended a relationship simply because it was like pulling teeth with her partner to want better out of life and make healthy lifestyle choices. My friend tries to operate her life at a 5-star quality. Though life is hard for my friend, she perseveres and moves forward. That’s just the way she’s been raised: to live fearfully and wonderfully made by her Creator, to have self-pride, to carry herself well, and to be resilient in spite of her circumstances…5-star living and nothing less.

Life is not perfect but you have to give it all you got.

But her partner functioned at a 2-star. Now, I am not talking looks. I am referring to the quality of life you bring to the table. Your values, your confidence, your goals, etc. etc. When my friend (5 star) got together with her 2-star partner, there were moments of contention. The two star criticized my friend’s 5-star living as if she was vain and self-absorbed…but that could be far of the truth. Her two-star partner has had past relationships with other 2-stars so my friend, the 5 star was so different. So it just created problems and my friend left the relationship cause it was too much.

I’m not trying to judge or put anyone down. Here is my point: every person has a choice in life on whether to rise above or stay stagnant. Whatever you chose is whatever you chose but just know people may not understand your choice. Don’t let a 2-star’s insecurities affect what you are trying to do.

Don’t let someone’s low star quality affect what you are trying to do. Whether you are at 3 or 5 or at least striving for that, don’t let people shame you into a lower level. Yes, you are human and you are allowed to feel emotion BUT if you have the fight in you, don’t let anything nor anyone downgrade you. NEVER!

Let the 2-star BE the 2-star…just not in your presence.

Blissfully,

Bianca

Posted in A Word from Mama B!, My Lenses on Life

The Art of Letting Go

It’s hard to let go things that you can’t control. I am learning there are things and experiences that can’t be helped to be honest. I am only in control my reaction. Sometimes situations call for letting it go.

Yes friend, let it go. **Insert Elsa singing “Let It Go”**

Energy is wasted when you try to solve something that is out of your hands. It is not giving up. I used to think I had to care about everything and everyone’s opinion of me. NO! LET IT GO. I pack on the anxieties and emotions of everyone/thing and forget myself.

I have had to learn it is not necessarily me per se. Sometimes it is another person’s insecurities, worries, and hurts put on me. Sometimes the situation is beyond my control and I just happen to be there. I am responsible for me and my sanity. Call it being selfish…but I can only take care of me in a situation.

You may ask: how do you let it go, Bianca? I take inventory of the situation. Did I add to this issue? What is my role in this person’s turmoil or situation? If I add to it, can I make the situation better? If so, how? ( Pretty much: I try to think and/or act to make the situation better, if possible.)

I find that most of the times, even with my best intentions and best efforts, situations don’t go as expected. I just have to remind myself that I did my best. Sometimes my best is not enough but that does not make me a terrible person. I have to let it go; it’s not my burden to carry. I am constantly learning and evolving in my “let it go” moments. I’m not perfect but I am intentionally learning to prioritize myself.

So yes, the art of letting go is REAL. Don’t let everything in life overwhelm you. It’s not worth your sanity. Take inventory of the situation and figure out where you fit in. If you have no part, don’t insert yourself. Let it go.

Blissfully,

Bianca

Posted in Poems of Bliss

Keep Climbing

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It seems so hard to climb.

To stop would be to quit.

To keep moving shows my fight.

Fighting with each step and each reach.

Though I slip, I’ll hold on.

Though I fail, I press on.

The journey seems so long.

But I have made it so far.

I can’t go back.

I just can’t.

Blissfully,

Bianca

Posted in Blissful Tips of Life

Blissful List of Keeping Mental Sanity At Work

If there is one thing the pandemic has taught me, it has taught me work is not sum total of my being. Work is something I do but I still need to be a person. I am more than my 8 hour work shift. But I can still be me even in my workday.

I have made boundaries to keep my mental sanity at work. I work in a field with intense deadlines and stress ( but isn’t that every job…). I also don’t work from home. It’s a lot that can be thrown at you. So keeping a level head is the game plan.

This is my list as a reference. I encourage you to try and cultivate healthy, sane moments in your workday. So here is my list:

  1. Get UP and OUT of your work space. I try after 45 minutes to an hour after working diligently to get up…whether to go to the bathroom, the break room, or get a snack. I sit for my job so it is good to work out the muscles.
  2. Honor your lunch break. The work is not going anywhere. My job (and most jobs) take that hour anyways. Thankfully, my office building has a guest area where I eat. It’s a change of scenery. I listen to a podcast or music or call my mom. I get a breather. It’s a time for me to recharge and that’s ok.
  3. Tea time. The mid-day slowdown is real. I make my tea (I buy it so it is mine alone) and I make it at 3 or before then to enjoy. It soothes me and also helps me to keep working. I get off work at 6PM so I will need a jump.
  4. Affirmations I Mediate On– The caring, type-A empath wants everything to be perfect but reality does not work that way. Sometimes I mess up or I do not finish all that I need to in a particular day. I am really hard on myself. Affirmations fight the negative. So what I say is: Bianca, you are one person. You can only do so much in 8 hours. You are human. You are learning.
  5. Working Music-Depending on the assignment I am working on, I listen to music to focus, to calm my spirits, and to add a little “fun” in my work.
  6. Talk to God– God is only a call away. My anxiety gets the best of me. In a high stress environment, it is easy to fall in despair. But, when I call on God, He helps me manage the day. Whether it’s a meeting I have, working on a case, or a client meeting, God will calm me or make the situation better/manageable. God gave me this job so it’s ok to talk about my job with him.

That’s my game plan. It has helped. It keeps my workday manageable though it is not easy. A job is a part of your life but not the sum of your being unless you make it that way. You can use my list and come up with little, sane moments of joy during your workday and workweek.

Blissfully,

Bianca

Posted in A Breath of Fresh Air, Believe with Bianca

You Are Loved

September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. I have never known anyone who took their own life, but I do know friends who have known someone who has. I really don’t know what to say. Every person has struggles and for some, it is hard to face life.

I heard this song from Cleo Sol. Listen to her words and know that it comes from my heart. “You are loved even if you don’t love yourself.

You matter. I am wrapping my arms around you. I am here to pray with you, to talk to you, and to care for you. If not me, please talk to someone. The Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255. Or, you can chat on https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat/. Don’t hold your pain in. Don’t go away. You are loved.

Blissfully,

Bianca

Posted in A Breath of Fresh Air, A Word from Mama B!, Life as Bianca

The Elevation from the 30’s

I don’t know why I thought entering 30 was so bad. It’s actually quite great besides the back pain waking up in the morning. I am now 31 and it’s a new elevation. Through different experiences, I look back and realize I want to do better and live better for my single self.

Bianca in her 20s was people-pleasing and sought a lot of validation. I believe she wanted to be loved sooo much that she was willing to just forget herself most of the time. I really expressed my truth last year at the height of last summer. I told a lot of truths and personal stories that no one knew. Inside, I felt like I lied for a whole decade to many people. To be honest, I was just trying to survive. Surviving was enough…but fully living wasn’t something I considered.

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Now turning 31, I am unlearning…unlearning a lot. Yes, I fall back into old habits. But you know what? I am a work in progress. Life is not about perfection but progression. Even as a Christian, I have to constantly remind myself perfection is not the goal but spiritual growth matters. God is not expecting me to be perfect but to be obedient when I fall short.

My Unlearning has been this:

I am learning what I do matters.

God comes first and Bianca comes afterwards and then everyone else.

I need to honor my time and space.

Toxicity hurts and does not help.

Outside voices do not live my life, thus they do not matter.

God’s truth is infallible. Man’s truth changes.

I matter.

That’s what I got. Like I said, it’s progression. The more I realize, the more I elevate when I do something about it. I just want this post to encourage you to elevate no matter how old you are. I was growing in my 20s but this new decade has had its lessons. So keep elevating.

Blissfully,

Bianca

Posted in A Word from Mama B!, Believe with Bianca, Life as Bianca

For My Gain and Not At My Expense: Take Care of You

A person like myself wants to please often. I would rather limit my wants for someone else to be comfortable. #peoplepleasingproblems. I will alter my boundaries to accommodate someone else…at my own expense. And for what? discomfort and for my needs to not be met. Really Bianca!?!

To some like me, this is the norm but not for Simone Biles nor Naomi Osaka. It seems revolutionary but it is the essence of self care. Even at the height of greatness, choose yourself. They both choose self and self preservation over society. You would think to have fame, resources, and access would mean you are set and happy…absolutely NOT! If two beautiful, talented, great athletes need a break, then even little ole me, can figure out ways to choose myself.

Were people outraged? Yes

Were people disappointed? Yes.

Did they die? No.

No one lives your life. Ultimately, no one is living in your body but you. If saying no saves your life and sanity, do it. I’m learning to choose me. Whether it be taking intentional breaks at work, eating alone to recharge, saying no, therapy, breathing exercises, etc. etc…I choose myself. Some people are willing to take and take and take…and they could care less about your needs. Act on what you need. Now we are all not like Ms. Biles nor Ms. Osaka, but find a way to choose yourself in the spaces you inhabit. To some, you are replaceable. But you are only you for a moment in time.

Take care of yourself.

Choose you.

Blissfully,

Bianca

Posted in Believe with Bianca, Life as Bianca

For My Gain and Not At My Expense: Ask

I’d like to think I am superwoman. I can do anything and everything. I don’t want to seem weak or that I am incapable. I would rather take things on myself at the expense of depletion of mind, body, and spirit. At my expense, I thought I could hold together. But at my expense, I experience heartache, anxiety, depression, anguish, and pretty much the Devil’s lies.

In reality, I would be crumbling. My self sufficiency was my downfall. Pride was my downfall. I believe as a black woman, we, as a collective, have this narrative of being strong. But the thing is you can only be strong for so long. I would fake being ok. I would fake strength out of fear of being considered weak. That was the cycle.

Something I have uncovered in therapy is allowing myself the freedom of not being tired and worn out. Speak up. Why hold in what you can let go? The worst that can be said is “No, I can’t help you.” No one will die. The world will not end. And I will be no less Bianca than when I asked for help. I believe when I think of asking like that…it changes the narrative. It opens a level of vulnerability because I am allowing myself relief and letting people in.

I usually don’t let people into the inner parts of my mind and soul. It’s just easier. But at what cost? I am easily the friend to come to with your problems. A person can pour out their soul to me. But why do I not allow myself that openness and kindness to pour my heart to my own friends. That is what I am learning…asking for the help and the listening I give to others. It is preventable so I need to speak up.

Yes, guard your heart because everyone is not your friend. But lately, God has sent genuine people my way. For whatever reason, they check on me. They ask me what do I need. WHAT!?! Like really!?! Yes, little old Bianca can be cared for. So I challenged myself to speak up the past few months. I have been speaking up by asking for prayer, guidance, and a friend who will listen. And these friends have delivered more than what I could have asked for. It has done my heart well and mental health better.

It’s still hard to break the cycle cause I want to still be strong. But I know I am not strong without God’s help and guidance in the resources and people He puts in my path. However, I need to ask and be open and vulnerable to receive what I need.

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“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”-Matthew 7:7

Ask…what’s the hurt in asking what you need?

Blissfully,

Bianca